"The only thing we have to fear is, fear itself"
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
NOT, just a great line and addition to the end of a Living Colour song, but powerful words in and of themselves and the perfect quote really, for this weeks "window"...
In Fall of 2019, my ex husband and I settled our divorce. It wasn't an overnight decision by any means and was a long time coming to say the least. We got married in 2006, we were young and did what we thought we were supposed to do at our age when you've been with someone for 5 years. We were great friends, but just couldn't quite make the marriage work.
The only thing harder than staying however - was leaving. Money was tight (story of my life), we had children, and what about the people we'd disappoint? (this was back when I really worried and cared about what others thought) - there was always a reason we just couldn't quite cut the chord between us. He and I got along great, but just couldn't find between us what we both knew we deserved. What had sustained us and kept us together in the last few years in my opinion was comfort and oddly enough...fear. We were terrified to make the wrong choice. It wasn't just us the decision would impact; we have three amazing kiddos together and our biggest worry and concern (and rightfully so) was what would our decision do to them if we split? And yet, the question that was always in the back of my mind was - what would our decision do to them, if we didn't?
We couldn't avoid the need for change any longer. Complacency was no longer an option - it was time to face our fears.
For there to be change, means to face an element of fear...and that can be fucking terrifying.
In my studies as a yoga teacher, I came across a goddess in Hindu mythology, whose story I share at least once a year now with my yoga students - she is by far my favorite, as her "power" and her story resonates greatly with me. Her name is, Akhiladeshvari ~ Ishvari in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the Akhilanda means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, she is The Always Broken Goddess. In her name, lies her purpose and her truth.
Her broken, isn’t the kind that indicates weakness and fragility though. It’s the broken that tears apart all that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating relationship patterns again and/or continuing bad habits. It instead encourages us to dive into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable. To commit to change. Her power stems from being broken: in ruin, in pulling herself apart, living indifferently, and from never succumbing to her limitations.
During the hardships and seemingly scary moments that life can present such as; loss or death, divorce or a break up, fired from a job, etc...the moments that seem to break you where you stand and you feel a complete loss of your future (the "future" being all those expectations of what your life story was going to be) - are utterly terrifying. It's an awful realization when your "future" has seemingly evaporated in a moments time and the fear of the unknown sets in.
Akhilanda reminds us that while in pieces, with no idea how to go forward - your hopes for the future become meaningless and the stories about the past no longer exist. Because now, you are changing. You are being reborn. You get a second chance to rebuild and put yourself back together. Confusion becomes an incredible teacher and ruin becomes a gift. After all, where is the fun in living and learning, if you already have it all figured out?
The most badass part about Akhilanda, is that she rides a crocodile. The crocodile, represents our reptilian brain, which is where our fear resides. And secondly, crocodiles conquer their prey by unexpectedly grabbing it from shore, pulling it into the water, and spinning or rolling it until it is disoriented and no more. Just as life can spin and roll our once sturdy foundation, knocking us off balance when we least expect it. Akhilanda reminds us of our capabilities, by literally riding fear while conquering life's shakes and rolls. Ebbing and flowing on the river, she adjusts and carries on with life, whatever it may throw - hence why I adore her. Her take what life hands you and roll with it ability and Spirit, is familiar and comforting - I know her. I've been her. I am her...and so are you.
If you want big rewards, ya gotta take big risks...
If I've learned anything in the years that led up to my divorce, and from the many experiences (both good and bad) that happened since - it's that without risk, there is no reward. Fear will present itself every time there is a need for change, so you can either run from it...or ride it. This is not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes it's the kick in the ass we didn't know we needed. Fear lets us know we're alive and we still have a pulse. Fear of failure, or ridicule, or setbacks are all part of the risk in "doing life." Exploring something different, taking a leap, being vulnerable...there is so much power in these scary moments IF you choose to see them as an opportunity to embrace, rather than something to run from.
At this stage of the game now, the greater risk in my opinion, is moving through life always wondering, remaining still and stagnant, or not trying something new. Fear for me, rests only in living a life where I held myself back and chose to remain complacent. Where I listened to someone else, rather than myself or my intuition. It's not always easy and some days I'm not as bold as I'd like to be, but generally speaking and for the most part, I've put myself out there and rode my fear rather than cowering before it. It's a check for the ego too; sometimes it doesn't work out as I hoped, but at least I can go to bed knowing I tried and no longer have to wonder "what if?"
"Watch all your acts, all your beliefs, and find out whether they are based in reality, in experience, or based in fear. Anything based in fear has to be dropped immediately, without a second thought. It is your armor."
~ Osho
When we told our kids about our divorce, we told them that we were re-defining what was "normal." Over a box of Oreo cookies, we promised them their lives would not change all that much, mom and dad would still be friends and come together for them anytime, we were not going to take them away from their school or classmates, and our divorce was not going to be the nasty escapade that they saw in movies or other friends experience. To this day, we've done a damn good job overall honoring our promise I think - I couldn't be more proud of their ability to adapt and their resilience through it all.
I've experienced difficulties and adversities in this life that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Life hasn't always been easy or ideal, but it is what it is, and I wouldn't change a thing. I have 3 kids that depend on me, so quitting and feeling sorry for myself was never an option. Pick up the pieces, carry on, and make it work. The hard times and challenges are part of my story. They are my lessons, my greatest teachers and they continue to shape me daily.
Through a fresh set of eyes, along with putting my faith in the universe, a new path was inevitably revealed when the time was right, and one that I would not have found if the hard times didn't find me first - and for that, I am grateful. Ruin and challenge have been the path to transformation, progress, evolution and ultimately change every damn time - you just have to ride the fear to get there.
But what if I fail? Oh but my darling - what if you fly?
If nothing else, I hope my children so far have learned this: That life is a beautiful gift full of ups and downs with good days and bad. Unexpected detours occur and can lead to miraculous surprises and better destinations. Not to be fearful of change, but to embrace it when you can - most of the time it's a blessing and the universes way of guiding you towards something better. Trust your inner voice always - it never lies. That nothing is written in stone and you're allowed to take a different path than the one you're on or you may be "committed" to - you're allowed to change your mind. To jump at new opportunity and experiences. To challenge yourself rather than stay comfortable every now and then. Be vulnerable and not worry about the opinions of others. Love hard and know how loved you are in return.
Remember this when life presents less than ideal moments - that all the places where you’ve shattered, can now reflect light where there once was none. You are multifaceted - You are a prism now. All of us are "never not broken" - we are not a limited, consistent, never evolving whole. Our brokenness lends to our unlimited potential, in that we can always put ourselves back together again as many times as we need to. How lucky are we, to always have the opportunity to change and evolve?
What a gift - but only, if we're willing to ride a crocodile.
xo - B